I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
