he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize