The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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