My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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