ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
