i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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