You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
