chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
