Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Randomize
