Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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