How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
