Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
