The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
