I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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