when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
