Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
operation have a gay friend backfired
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We have started to decorate penises.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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