Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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