I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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