the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
