Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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