The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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