One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
