I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
