Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
