every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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