after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
