Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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