Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
