i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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