apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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