Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
