I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
