im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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