i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
