I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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