I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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