Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize