Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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