Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize