Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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