'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
