It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
