I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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