so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
