thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
