How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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