She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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