How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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