I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
two words...techno handjob
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
COCAINE IS GR8
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
Randomize