You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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