I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
