Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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