Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
