you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
