i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i love accidental penises.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
