there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
